Taking a break right now to read Carolyn Hax - and as always, I stumbled upon something I love. This time the wisdom was shared not by CH but by a WaPo reader, responding to a disgruntled letter writer who complained that he should not have to "read his wife's mind" and that if she wants dinner made by the time she gets home from work, she should say so.
WaPo reader:
Here's the secret to a happy marriage. Contribute every day to what needs to be done. You see something that needs doing, do it. Don't use some transparent excuse about mind-reading. If you were an employee with that attitude, you'd get fired so fast your head would spin. If you were a roommate, you'd be out the door. If you aren't willing to give your wife the same consideration you would give a roommate or a co-worker - or the same consideration you expect her to give you - maybe marriage isn't really for you.So true. I wouldn't say it's the secret, but I'd say it's definitely an important one.
Btw, my two cents on mind-reading expectations: If you want your husband or wife to stop off at the store on his or her way home because you're running low on rice, call and ask them to do that. Yes, they know as well as you do that you're low on rice. But maybe they were planning on picking it up tomorrow. So if you want it today, call and ask. If the shoe is on the other foot and you're on your way home from work and remember that you're running low on rice, call and ask H or W if they'd like you to pick it up. Or just do it. Don't hate, communicate! That's my PSA for the day. My sounds so easy, why aren't more people blissfully, harmoniously married? PSA.
HOWEVER: If you're married, especially if it's been for a number of years, and you've been reasonably attentive and considerate, there is a certain amount of mind-reading you should be able to do, whether you are a husband or a wife. Except it's not actually called mind-reading, it's called keeping the household and marriage functioning by employing common courtesy and using prior knowledge. Macro example: We take a pretty utilitarian approach to kitchen chores. They're technically my job (one minor blowout maybe a year ago decided this) but if there are dishes in the sink and he knows I'm cooking dinner that night, he'll clear the dishes before I get home. Micro example: If he's working overtime the morning after a training run, I volunteer to take the dog out that night. Mini-example: When I ask for a Pepsi, he does not bring me a Coke. Some people call it mind-reading. I call it Knowing Thy Partner*.
*None of this is to suggest we're proficient at this. We still have our sighing moments of passive-aggressive I'll just do it myself, then and boneheaded moments like the other day when I blithely checked the mail as he struggled to open the dumpster with 50 pounds of chopped-up wood in his arms. But you know, most of the time we do our best.
I also watched "Marley and Me" while finishing my classroom today. Of course I cried when Marley crossed the Rainbow Bridge, but the parts that really resonated with me were the rough patches in the Grogans' marriage. I may not have Marley, the worst dog in the world, but there have been moments where I've near-hysterically yelled at my husband to "get the stupid dog out of my sight before I kill him," and we've definitely been overwhelmed and disappointed by events similar to theirs (dog-related and non-dog-related.)
I wonder what the next four years will bring us, and what we will bring to each other. Hopefully no more dogs, but maybe a baby. Hopefully some significant financial savings, and maybe a house. Hopefully a lot of creative projects, and maybe some travels. We'll see.
♥
